| love... |
[02 Jun 2009|11:23pm] |
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so, quick post, I've been thinking about this a lot lately so I wanted to write about it. I've been refraining from writing overly personal stuff in here but it's a journal so who gives a shit. anywho, I've gone to 2 weddings lately, with more on the horizon, and it's just kinda made me jealous. not that I want to like run out and get married immediately but it would be kinda nice to not have that worry anymore. like with how my future is planned out I'm trying to put career first, personal life second, but really I don't want to end up with a job and not a family because family and love is the most important thing to me in the whooole world. since I started dating, there has never been a time where I'm like man...I just don't feel like being loved right now. and yeah, I'm horribly dependent upon people blah blah blah but really, what is all the success in the world if you don't have someone to share it with? there have been times when people I have dated mentioned marriage and I would think...well, I wouldn't have to search anymore...but that's not what I want either. I mean, it would be nice to no longer have to search but only because I've found the one I want to be with not because I've just settled for whoever. Anyway, I guess I'm just saying it would be nice to have no doubts, to know that the person you want to be with wants the same thing, not only because they say it but because their actions show it (the action being getting married). I just get the feeling it'll be a loooong time until I know what that's like. I'm off though, just wanted to babble for a moment.
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| it's about life |
[20 May 2009|01:07am] |
So, quick post while I should be sleeping lol. Let's see if I can summarize the months..it'll probably all sound about the same.
January--school, work, partying, Travis. Not sure if anything too exciting happened.
February--same? Valentine's day and me and Travis' 6 months. Both were good. It helps when you have a pretty legit boyfriend lol.
March-About the same as January, minus being ridiculously cold. Travis' birthday and such.
April-Same again I assume.
May-I got my associate's! lol Finished up the spring semester finally. I got A's and B's so...not bad I guess but I wanted to try all A's. I just suck at being motivated.
so...no more summarizing, I'll just kinda throw in the important stuff or ramble or whatever. I got into UIC, shockingly. I thought I had another semester left at DACC after dropping out last year but it turns out I was still on track to graduate on time and only really have 1 class left there that I needed to take, which I am currently taking now, statistics. While I am pretty excited to finally be out of town and whatnot I'm also pretty scared shitless. I'm not really good with change. Or meeting new people, or getting used to new things lol. And I'm worried I'll either be so depressed by the change or so distracted by the newness that I screw up in classes. Also, there's the Travis situation. I'll be in Chicago and he'll be in Champaign. Which I don't really think will be a huge deal but I'm afraid he'll get sick of the distance or something and then it'll just be over and that would definitely suck. Things are pretty great with him. Well, most of the time anyway. We've only had a few real spats and things are just usually so easy. It's crazy to see the difference when it comes to being with someone who isn't more emotional than I am lol. I would really like things to work out. But I don't know. I think we can probably get through the first year...and then we're going to realize it's going to be the same for the next few years and I think that might just really suck. It just depends though. I've done really well with this whole being faithful shit lol. Surprising how easy it is when the relationship itself is easy. I can see myself continuing to be faithful even after I move because well, it's my fault I'll be the one moving away so I can't really be like bitter with him about that so that pretty much takes anyway any motivation I'd have to cheat. So...maybe not once a cheater, always a cheater? He deserves way more than that anyway so I couldn't ever do that to him anyway. Not saying others have necessarily deserved it but shit happens, ya know?
Anywho...the work situation is still the same. Working at CVS and I HATE IT. I got certified so I could hopefully get a raise but nooo, now it's mandatory so I can't get a raise. So, instead, I'm stuck making less than EVERYBODY. This is no exaggeration either. I'm so effing sick of that place. And Michael is all, oh I'll stack your raises blah blah. Just fucking pay me what I should be getting made instead of this barely over minimum wage bullshit. I'm so sick of busting my ass at work and it never paying off. I really just want to get another job but they're going to transfer me up to the CVS in Chicago so hopefully I can do that until I can find a job that will actually pay me a decent amount. I keep saying to michael I need more hours, I need more hours, I can hardly pay my bills. And instead he gives the hours to incompetent fucks like Amanda or Sarah. I've never been written up, never called up to the office, don't talk like a fucking retard, and yet I get fucked when it comes to raises. Sorry for ranting but clearly this issue makes me a bit irate.
Anyway...friends...well, they're aren't a whole lot. There are the random people we hang out with like Phil and Will and Lea and Kendra and all the people that go to Phil's house. But they're more like party friends. I don't really hang with/see Agnes anymore outside of work because Phil doesn't like her b/f and she's always with him so she can't come party which is lame. Candice is sometimes a friend but sometimes not. Courtney is the same. I feel like I always bitch about this but it really just sucks not having anyone to confide in. Especially since like half the people I have hung out with will come to me when things are all shitty for them but as soon as things get better don't really talk to me anymore. I guess I just don't understand what I do wrong when it comes to friendships. Even with a boyfriend I think I do fairly well at managing friends when they actually want to hang out but it's just like I never have any actual friends anymore, just people I hang out with sometimes.
But I'm going to quit rambling, do a little exercise, then head to bed. Hope this has been informative lol
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| oh the toll we'll pay for not dropping everything to hold on to those we love... |
[19 Jan 2009|01:00am] |
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"What a Catch, Donnie"-Fall Out Boy |
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So as I look back, I was kinda surprised to see that I wrote a total of 4 entries in 2008. Especially since it was probably one of the most eventful years ever. I guess the first half of it though I was just pretty depressed and didn't feel much like writing it all down. Anyway, so since 2009 is in full swing I thought I would try to quickly summarize last year month by month. Some of the months kinda blur together though so I'm not real positive when everything happened...
January-Did not start very well. My New Year's Eve didn't go to well, thus causing me to evaluate a lot of things. I think it was probably within the week that I decided I wanted a break from Derek. I was going to give myself like 2 weeks to just spend with friends or whatever. After about a week though Derek said he couldn't stand not knowing what I was doing so we broke up. It was kinda odd after that. And then I started talking to Jon, aka the Creeper. That was an awful idea. I'm not really sure what all went down in January but it was a mixture of messiness with Derek and being won over by Jon...
February-Think mostly I focused on Jon...? The first 3 months of 2008 are all pretty hazy because it went from questioning things with Jon to whether or not to get back with Derek, etc. Also, after Derek I was very optimistic that I would gain my old friends back. No such luck. So I spent most of my time with Jon which become problematic when he starting being a huge douche bag. I was also still pretty depressed because after a year and a half relationship ending I just questioned like everything I was doing in my life because I tied him to so much of it. Which lead to...
March-Being depressed and staying out late like drinking at Jon's and such lead to a decline in my attendance at school, which obviously lead to a decline in my gpa. And probably one of the bigger things to hit me that month was Anna deciding she wasn't really going to be my friend anymore. Even though we weren't very close after her relationship, school, marriage, etc., I still counted on her to be one of my closest friends but I guess I was wrong. Also Jon was going back and forth between being nice and a prick. And Derek and I were considering getting back together until he found out I cheated on him. I can't really excuse it but those who know me well enough know my reasoning so I'm not going to explain that again. So losing my friends, love life failing, and sucking it up in school lead to my brilliant decision---to drop out of school! Great idea, right? Not. Anyway, towards the end of the month I went to Georgia for about a couple weeks and then started dating Jon...
April-I'm guessing mostly just hanging out with what few friends I had. Which I did regain Ashley as a friend after everything. I wasted the month away working full time, hanging with Jon and doing whatever else.
May-Finally fed up enough with the creeper to end things right before I journeyed down to Florida. Scoped things out a bit and then went on a cruise with the familia. Pretty decent month, if I remember correctly. I got back from Florida just in time to go to Courtney's graduation party which lead to a lot of things until now, actually. Travis came and after about 6 months of classes together we decided we could probably talk to each other lol. I guess the benefit of alcohol is that it makes it easier to become friends with some people sometimes haha. Anyway, all that lead to..
June-Pretty much one of the greatest months of the year. Travis and I hit it off, and started hanging out almost every day. We partied with Agnes and Ryan and Drew and all kinds of fun people. Agnes' aunts house was a pretty major part of the month lol. I had already decided before all this though that I was "moving" to Florida. In theory, it was a great idea...So after an amazing month spent surrounded by good people and fun times, I packed my stuff up and headed south..
July- Probably about as depressing as the beginning of the year. I hated working at the CVS down there, I didn't know anyone and I missed everyone I had spent all of June with. I went and saw Renee a couple times which was a waste of time, since we don't even talk now and i went down to St Pete to go to Warped Tour...but anyway. I'm going to say the week of the like 13th was probably the most bittersweet week of the entire year. Travis came down to visit me, which was amazing. We did something new like every day and just made the most of what we knew to be our last week together. Universal Studios, the beach, the pool, Orlando, beer and pizza night. Anyway, it was stellar :-) But that made it even harder when the time came for him to leave and we had to say goodbye. I was depressed again. All I did was work, lay out, exercise and sleep. Even exercising everyday didn't help take me out of my funk. I did have a co-worker invite me to a party though which I was very excited about until I realized that it was just like half the Danville parties, but in Lake Mary, with people I didn't know. I hung out with one person from the party a couple more times, Daniel. I was glad to have someone who I could call a friend but all of that just made me realize how miserable I was there, and how Florida was not the place for me....
August-a couple weeks in I headed back up north. I was so excited I couldn't even sleep. And anyone who has driven over about 30 minutes with me knows how amazing that is. I called Agnes and plotted a pretty epic surprise for Travis. We started dating on August 9th :-) The next week was just as amazing as all of June had been. I signed up for classes and I changed my major to biological sciences. August was probably the happiest I've been in a looong time. Everything just felt right. Good friends, amazing boyfriend, fun times and good grades.
September-About the same. Classes, Travis, hanging out with people. There wasn't anything too exciting that I can recall.
October-Same again. Classes, Travis, friends, CVS. Went to the Rock Band live tour with Travis. That was also pretty amazing. The Cab, Plain White T's, Dashboard Confessional and Panic at the Disco. Also got invited over to Phil's which was pretty fun.
November-Classes. Hanging out at Phil's. Work. Nothing that really stands out.
December-Finally got to the end of the semester. Spent a week in Georgia at Sarah's. She had a baby! Viviana Mari. She is adorable!! Spent the rest of break partying at Phil's and hanging out with Travis as much as possible. Christmas was kinda lame since we were in Georgia but it was nice to see Sarah, John, little John and Viviana.
And then it was New Year's Eve. Minus my drunken anger for no reason, it was pretty good. New Year's Day was spent I think just hanging with Travis. Ah yeah, we went to Danielle's for a little bit and then came back at watched some Nip/Tuck 'cause we're pretty hardcore. Break ended last Monday except I still haven't had to go to half my classes because it's been so damn cold! Which sucks. I would much rather have feet of snow than like negative 10 weather. I hate winter. Travis and I are good. Work sucks. And friends are ok. Like, I have people to hang out with but I miss having someone who I feel like I can confide in. All well though, I guess everything can't be perfect. Anyway, so that is that. A run down of 2008 and 2009 so far. I'll try to update a little more this year.
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| fail. |
[27 Oct 2008|03:07am] |
Michelangelo said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will break away. Sometimes, life is like that. It tosses us down a hill. When we reach the bottom, only the important things are left, and that's when our vision clears. That's when we hold on tight to what we know, while hope stirs inside us. It's all a matter of perspective.
Location-Danville. School-DACC. Major-Biological Sciences. Boyfriend-Travis. Friends-Agnes, Ashley, Courtney, etc but those are the ones I've hung out with most lately. Job-CVS. That's all the basics. Time for bed.
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| things change and friends leave. |
[17 Mar 2008|01:38am] |
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Starts With Goodbye |
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so I am not going into the details of everything right now. Let's just say it's been a fairly eventful few months. I am at a point in my life that I never would have imagined. And I keep having these moments where I'm like what the hell? where has the time gone? Like with 3/9 the other day. Or the fact that one of my ex's is about to be a father. Or that Jason is getting out of the military in about a year. All of these things aren't huge deals but it's just kinda random. I'm a college drop out for the time being. But I'll be back before next spring semester, I know that much. And I almost thought I'd never say it but Derek is no longer in my life. And I'm leaving Danville. I'm turning my entire life upside down instead of following what I thought was a set script for my life. I'm not trying to erase everyone from my life. I just need a change. And this is an oppurtunity to see who really matters.
And as they all grow older the truth will be understood
'cause we never turn out the way we thought we would.
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| How Can I Tell You That I Love You... |
[31 Oct 2007|10:36pm] |
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Love Song-Sara Bareilles |
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Wow. So I haven't updated in forever. Kinda forgot I even had this lol. Life's been hectic-ish. It would be a whole lot less hectic if I could ever buckle down and get something down. Work is alright. Slightly less enjoyable because well, most people there suck. And I haven't been taught much else and trying to learn on my own doesn't really work when no one will let me just get in and do stuff. School is alright. I hate Rhetoric. It's a waste of time/life. Calculus owns my soul because well, math isn't really my thing. And come on, why the hell do I need Calculus to give people pills? I won't have to calculate the derivative of dx with respect to y or whatever else. All well, one more semester and then I'm done with it. Hopefully I'll survive Quan Chen. Chemistry is well...Christman. I aced Chemistry in high school, and would be doing so again if he actually tested us on what he taught us. For example, we worked for a few weeks on balancing equations and then we get into the test and what is it like? Multiple choice about random elements and compounds. What?? All well. I'm trying and that's all I can really say. I almost wish I had just taken a year off so I could have time to just screw around. I'm so burnt out on school and I still have more than 5 years. yeesh. It'll be worth it though. Soooo worth it. See, while Pharmacy may not be the job that will have me jumping out of bed and running to work, it is a very smart job. Because I'll have pretty good hours. And a very good salary. And it will be very good to raise a family. Psychiatry would have been a terrible choice. And Psychology would have taken a million years to get anywhere that makes more than like 15K a year. So, Pharmacy it is. Sarah came down to visit not too long ago. That was fun. Angie is moving! I can't believe it. It really makes me feel bad 'cause I kinda took advantage of it and just assumed she'd always be around because well, she said she'd never move without her parents. But it's good for her. She wants to have a family there so hopefully she can find a guy to start a family with soon. She's moving to Florida. Danielle, Derek, Kayla and I went and saw Fall Out Boy with Gym Class Heroes and Plain White T's at the Assembly Hall a couple weeks ago. Which was amazing. And on Saturday Danielle and I are going to Chicago to see Dane Cook. It should be fun. And hopefully much more enjoyable than the last time we went to Chicago. Eep. So, life has been alright. And then there's Derek. Who has been crazy enough to stay with me for almost 16 months now. And who I recently started to appreciate again. It was a crazy summer and I just sucked things up with him so now I'm trying to make things right. He's an amazing person. I don't even know what else to say about him. Well, I do, but it'd take forever and it's nothing I haven't said a million times before. I don't really want to update anymore because I am tired. And I have neglected to do anything recently. So, I'll need to tomorrow night. Grr. Stupid procrastination. Well, I'm off. Later Dayz!
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| Hold up, wait a minute, put a little love in it. |
[25 Aug 2007|01:23am] |
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Landslide-Fleetwood Mac |
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Imagine you are on your deathbed. Recommend to those who remain in your life...
1) One book to read.
2) One movie to watch.
3) One food to eat.
4) One place to go.
5) One life lesson to leave behind.
1. The Perks of Being a Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky.
2. SLC Punk or maybe American History X
3. Fried Chicken.
4. Somewhere beautiful to just enjoy the scenery, be it a beach, mountain, countryside, wherever.
5. Appreciate the people who actually stick around. A lot less people actually stay as you get older.
Well, that was fun. Anyway. It's been like forever since I've updated. And while quite a bit has happened, it still doesn't seem like a lot. And I really don't have a whole lot of time to update, I just figured I'd throw it out there that I actually do update occasionally. I started school this week and am doing something completely uncharacteristic of me-getting a tutor. Effin' Calculus man. That class blows. I think I should be able to manage everything else as long as I actually do the work and study. Which is also a weird concept for me since I breezed by in high school. Why does school actually have to be difficult now? Geez. Derek and I have been dating over a year now (July 5th)..I don't think that we were there yet the last time I updated. My sister's baby is now a year old. (July 31st) I don't even know what else to write about. I'm just trying to keep my head above water at this point 'cause everything is going on. Well, I have work at 9 and I still have to finish getting ready sooo I will update more later. Later Dayz!
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| You Can't Be Missed If You Never Go Away.. |
[30 Jun 2007|09:54pm] |
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the Way You Love Me-Faith Hill |
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Man, this month has seemed sooo freakin' long. I posted on like the 3rd and it seems like so much has happened since then but I can't even remember what all has happened. I started my summer class at DACC on the 11th and it BLOWS. I never really learned how to study so I'm kinda screwed when it comes to tests. I'm actually probably going to fail miserably when it comes to college, so that's something to look forward to. :-/ My last day at Dairy Queen was the 24th and I started the next day at CVS. I'm there as a Pharmacy Technician but I hadn't gotten my license in yet so I start in the actual pharmacy on Monday. I'm excited/worried. I just don't want to suck it up. I've felt very out of place or something there because they just kinda threw me on a register and then seemed mad when I asked questions 'cause I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Bah. So I went to the Honda Civic Tour with Danielle in Chicago. It was Cobra Starship, Paul Wall, The Academy Is, +44 and Fall Out Boy. We stayed at Jeff's house but he wasn't there so we hung out with his girlfriend and the guys from the Feramoans. It was pretty fun and different. Later that week Danielle left her fiance. Which sucked. It's just really weird 'cause it was out of nowhere and I really don't think they're going to get back together. Sarah and I were pretty torn up about it the whole week. I don't really know what else to write and I'm at Derek's so, I'm gonna end this for now. If I think of anything else I'll update later. Later Dayz! (also, I don't work every single night now, so please someone call with plans?? lol)
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| but you are what you love, not what loves you back |
[03 Jun 2007|01:57am] |
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What I've Done-Linkin Park |
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So, I really shouldn't start a journal entry that has been this long post-poned at 2 in the morning. I'm not really going to though. Maybe quick updates.
March-Nashville, finishing Showchoir for the most part. Nashville was alright, it was actually a really touching time because of Enterprise. Man, I feel bad summing them up. They lost 3 members due to a tornado that destroyed their school and their showchoir still went. Their show, coincidentally, was about dealing with the problems of the world and such. Opening number was I Can See Clearly Now, Better Life/ Better Place, and then their ballad was Stand Up For Love. A song with the lyrics, "How can I pretend that I don't know what's going on, when every second of every minute another soul is gone." And at one point during the song their is just complete silence, sniffling and then the soloist tries to go on. She chokes up and stops and everyone on stage grabs hands and it was pretty much the most powerful and memorable showchoir experience of my life. I guess one good thing came out of 4 years of showchoir.
Well, I can't really remember many important details of April, just the definite end of showchoir and struggling to wake up every morning.
May- Notified that I got a full ride to DACC. Which was followed by a boring ass scholarship assembly. I could not wait until the end of the month. Prom, was wonderful. Would not have been so had I not had the best date ever. I worked a lot, imagine that. End of school Finally came. Twas glorious. I can't believe I'm a high school graduate. I never thought it would come. My sister, her husband and my nephew came up from Georgia for my graduation which was nice. I also found out that I got a scholarship for Pharmacy. It includes 800 or 1/3 of my DACC tuition, and then 10,000 or 1/2 of 2 years tuition after DACC. I think the best part though is the garaunteed paid summer internships and a pretty much garaunteed job, unfortunately though, the job has to be in Vermilion County. All well, it will help with experience.
At this point in time I am hating my job sooo much I can hardly stand it. My parents gave me my car for graduation so that is about 2500-3000 I won't have to spend. I'm desperately looking for another job but I also really just want to take a break from working but I'm afraid I won't be able to find another job if I do. I'm turning 18 at the end of the month. Derek and my 1 year anniversary will be July 5th. Can you believe it? And I still love him more every day :-) He got his first apartment in Champaign and is hoping to get a job and place in Danville by the end of the summer. I had a very short stint with drinking again and then once again realized that I'm allergic to drinking, I break out in stupid :-P I feel like I've lost a lot of friends but I'm ok with it. They haven't made a ton of effort to talk to me so...*shrug* I also feel very out of place in my job. I think now is the time for a fresh start. Soon I'm going to be an "adult" and it will be nice to have a new school, new job, and a new-ish group of friends. Anyway, before I ramble on anymore I'm going to bed. I really should try to keep this updated so I can look back and see what I thought of life later on. Later Dayz!
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| Now you're here and everything changes... |
[04 Mar 2007|12:14pm] |
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"The Day Before You"-Rascal Flatts |
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So I thought it might be time that I FINALLY update seeing as it's been about 84953 years. This is going to be brief 'cause I have to be at work in 45 minutes but I thought I'd at least let everyone know I'm alive, and am in a decent mood lol. Yeah, so, 2007 hasn't really had a great start. Just a lot of random things I guess. Derek got a new(-ish) job though. He got promoted to the Assistant Manager and transferred to Champaign. I'm pretty proud of him 'cause that's quite an accomplishment even if he doesn't agree. The only downside is he is stressed a lot and we see each other like once a year now. No, not really but just not as often as we were used to. However we did get to hang out last night and it was pretty spectacular. We just hung out at his house, played his Wii and watched 40 Year Old Virgin and cuddled. It was good stuff. Um, I've been working quite a bit as well. And then there's been showchoir. We had our parent preview like the 18th of January. And then our first competition 2 days later where we got our only GC so far. And we made 4th in finals. So, that was alright. And then there was the Midwest Classic which was just amazingly stressful. And then we had like a week or 2 week break and had Center Grove (4th runner up). Then Sullivan(2nd runner up) the week after. And then we had this weekend off and we have Watseka on the 10th and we leave for Nasvhille on the 15th and get back the 18th. So I've been pretty amazingly busy. That and filling out freakin' scholarship applications. I swear my brain is just going to stop working and I'm not gonna get anything done lol. But only 3 more months and I graduate. and only about 4 more months and I'll be 18. w00t. So hopefully I can get a new and better job soon and hopefully school will hurry up and end. Also, we did have like 2 snow days 'cause there was a huge snow storm. Me and Derek's 8 months is tomorrow, which is pretty fantastical. We've now beat both of our longest relationship records lol. And that's pretty amazing for me. I never thought I've make it this far without someone breaking up with me. Bah, I'm such an emo kid. I'm really glad I haven't made it with anyone else though, 'cause it makes this all the more special. I'm a loser, I realize, but all well. Anyway, time for work and such. I work a lame split shift like 1-3 and then 6:30-close. It's pretty gay. But all well, it's money. Which I'll be needing lots of in the next few months. Anyway, I'll update in... a couple months or something. Later Dayz!
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| Maybe this year will be better than the last... |
[02 Jan 2007|12:53pm] |
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Stupid Boy-Keith Urban |
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So, I thought I'd copy Anna and do a run through of last year. Mine is probably not gonna be as short and sweet but *shrug* I'm avoiding practicing choreography lol.
January: Man, that started out terribly, brought in the New Year bawling hysterically to Rachel. That month sucked quite a bit. Did our last minute learning for showchoir and had our first performance. I got drunk and made an ass of myself several times, including that one time with someone's brother in a hotel room. Spent part of that month obsessing over that, I think the Danny thing happened then too. Went for a better route and started talking to Derek.
February: The classic was pretty damn fun with the Alabama boys. Got drunk quite a bit I assume. Still talked to Derek and had a good Valentine's Day with him. More competitions, more drunkness, that was about all of that.
March: Erm, man. Spent a good bit with Derek I believe. Also getting drunk with friends. Started talking to Alex again, woops. Left Derek alone 'cause I'm a jerk. Got drunk some more, started dating Alex. Lame.
April: One horrendous night at George's house. Springfield competition and that one incident the day after. Kinda a crappy month if I remember right 'cause I was always waiting around for Alex. I think that's it.
May: There was prom which was decent, the party at my house, the end of school. Me and Alex broke up which was definitely for the better. What the hell was I thinking that 2nd time around? Got a whole hell of a lot smarter and started talking to Derek again. Fortunately for me, he gave me a second chance.
June: Hrm, drinking, hanging out with Derek, my birthday, changing to a red head and oh yeah, the incident at my uncle's. gar. And I got my first job.
July: The 4th day of that month was horrendous, the 5th day made it much better. Derek and I started dating and I spent most the month with him and with Anna, who decided to stay sober, watch Nip/Tuck and eat ice cream with me lol.
August: I don't think August was too eventful. We went down to Sarah's cause she had her baby and then school resumed.
September: You'd think I'd remember the more recent months better but I don't really. The only thing I can think is spending time with Derek still, and not much else.
October: Spending time with Derek, homecoming, school, work, a little bit of showchoir practice.
November: Derek, school, work, a little showchoir, Thanksgiving.
December: Counting down to Christmas Break, working, being frustrated with showchoir, excited about Christmas for once. Christmas began very good and ended pretty good, the middle parts, not so great. Parents out of town, spending as much time with Derek as possible and staying out insanely late (compared to my usual midnight curfew) to hang out with him. It's been fun though and New Year's Eve was pretty fantastic. It was me, Derek, Cody, Danielle, Meg, and Jessie and we all kinda sat around and played Scene It and then counted down and I got my first kiss at midnight. Twas vair good. :-)
Derek stayed the night with me and then we spent pretty much all day on New Years together. We went to his house, played video games and watched some Fullmetal Alchemist and I left there about 2:30. Came back home to get ready for bed and stuff and went to Danielle's house. Took him to work this morning 'cause his dad has his car and I've been sitting around watching Days of Our Lives, playing video games and now this. I really really need to go over my choreography 'cause Marty told us she wanted us to know it by the time we got back from break and we have like 2 weeks from Thursday until our first performance I believe. But man, I really can't find the motivation. I'm so sick of showchoir already and I keep thinking that if I just learn the choreography and stuff that I'll be more into it. But I dunno, I'm just bitter 'cause I feel like I shouldn't be in Contemps this year. We have 1 costume with a stupid jacket that we put on for one song that is a whole new breed of hideous. Delegation has 3 costumes, although theirs aren't much better. *shrug* I don't know. I just wish I'd have never gotten into showchoir. I think I'm going to resent it all this year. Gar, anyway I'm going to quit complaining, shower, eventually do choreography, etc. Hope everyone had a good New Years and here's hoping that this year is as amazing as it began. Later Dayz!
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| Maybe this year will be better than the last... |
[27 Dec 2006|12:12am] |
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Less Talk More Rokk-Freezepop |
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So, I thought I'd update since I haven't in a little while. Geez, I hadn't realized how long it had been actually. I'll do what I usually do, start with today and go backwards. Today was pretty boring. I got up and took Derek to work 'cause his dad has his car, played some Guitar Hero, sat around, saw Derek, sat around and played some more Guitar Hero. Anna came over for a bit to exchange presents and then I got Derek after work and we went to his house and watched some quality Fullmetal Alchemist. Yesterday was Christmas, obviously. Technically it was 2 days ago but that's by like 30 minutes. Anyway, the day started off pretty great 'cause I went with Derek to his grandma's house for breakfast and then Derek and I went to his house and exchanged gifts. I have to say, he definitely spoiled me. He got me a ring (he gave that to me the night before), a PS2, Guitar Hero 2, Chicago, Phantom of the Opera, Anchorman, V for Vendetta and the Sims. I was defintely very happy. We then watched South Park and took a nap together lol. It was good. And then he took me home around 2 to go open presents with my family. Which was somewhat disappointing. I guess it's just never the same as when you were a kid and I knew pretty much everything I was getting so it kinda sucked. I don't want to sound whiny though. And then my sister Ang pissed me off, imagine that though. But anyway, then Derek came back over and we watched some movies and all was well again. Christmas Eve I worked until 5 and then we had the Christmas party for my dad's side of the family. It was very amusing and then Derek gave me my beautimous ring. :-D Anddd then I don't really know what else to write about. I've hung out with Derek as much as possible, I've worked. School got out on the 20th. We started practicing for showchoir finally before we got out. Our costumes are hideous times 897345345365948523423534546456. And that's about it. I really am dreading going back after Christmas break. 'Cause we'll be practicing like every single day during and after school and then there'll be finals and gah. I just want high school to be over. And I won't have as much time to hang out with Derek, which will definitely suck. Anyway, I need to go to sleep so I can go tanning and such and meet Derek for his break. Hope everyone had a great Christmas. Later Dayz!
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| Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time... |
[08 Dec 2006|12:30am] |
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Where Are You Christmas-Faith Hill |
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So, let's see. Do I start off every entry with that? *shrug* all well if I do. I don't think there's too much to update on but I'm stupid and not doing my homework so *shrug*. I really can't get motivated to do anything and spend until almost 12 screwing around and then go, oh shit, homework. I'm just barely hanging out but I still don't wanna do anything about it. *shrug* I guess I'll rethink that when my grades drop more. I can't wait until the end of the semester and I hope sooo much that I can do co-op, otherwise the next semester will be hell. *sigh* I usually try not to write too whiney entries but this might be one of them. You don't wanna hear it? Then go somewhere else. Holidays are depressing. And recently I just feel out of it with everything. Friends, school, showchoir, work. I don't know. I'm just not good with change, and while I have the newer friends that I've hung out with a bit I still miss other people I used to be close with. Also, it sucks to hear about everyone leaving and getting accepted to places when I'm just staying at DACC. I'm happy for them, sure, but also it sucks that they're moving on and I'm not. My own decision I suppose. I don't know. It is very practical, but I'd still like to get out of here. Anyway. I have a feeling that next semester is going to suck regardless of co-op or not. 'Cause showchoir will be in full swing and I'll be having to face that everyone is going to be leaving and Anna will be gone :-( and geez. How is it that I've made it this far? It's so weird to look back on everything. 6 years grade school, 3 years middle school, and my 4th year high school. sheesh. I don't know why I'm rambling about this now, I should probably wait until you know, the end of the year, right? right. lol. I can't wait until Christmas break. I know it'll be like the rest of the holidays though, when you build up excitement and everything and then it's over in a flash and you're left thinking, that was it?? Or maybe that's just how I feel. You know, thinking about the future makes me feel like a sell out. Especially in Mr Houpts terms. I'm going out for a job that makes lots of money, just so I don't ever have to worry about money problems, or my kids being in bad times with money and such. Which, there's nothing wrong with that I suppose. But that's not what is going to make me feel like I'm doing what I've dreamed. Then again, what would make me unbelievably happy is not practical so *shrug* anyway. time to stop rambling and attempt homework since Derek still isn't home from work. Here's a song to match the mood. Later Dayz!
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
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| Give me the ‘go ahead’ and I'll undress myself for you if you're at all interested now... |
[26 Nov 2006|11:17pm] |
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Skin-Rascal Flatts |
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So, it's only been like 2 weeks but I still don't remember much to talk about. Once again, I'll start from today and go backwards. Got up and went to work at 11:30 until 5. It was a pretty amusing day 'cause Jessie and I sucked it up with everything. I proceeded to cry for the 2nd time at work after I slammed my finger in the cash register. The 1st time was like the 2nd week I worked there and busted my ass on the wet floor. Anyway...So yeah, work was amusing. Then I came home and got ready and after a slight delay sat here and watched Desperate Housewives with Derek. Yesterday I, erm...slept until like 3, got up and got food, saw Derek on his break and then worked 5-close, then went over to Derek's for a bit. Friday I worked 2-5 and then hung out with Derek and Emily came over for a little while. Thursday was, of course, Thanksgiving. Started out at my Aunt Linda's house and Derek came along. Then I went with him to his Grandparents house and then he came with me to my Aunt Jeanne's house. It was a hectic day, especially since it's the first year we've done my other side of the family as well. Except then my aunts on my dad side were encouraging me to have an illegitimate child, be a slut, or a lesbian to keep our last name. I was like hrm, I'll pass lol. Then we went to Derek's house until I had to go home. On Wednesday my hair was terrorized but some skankface named Sarah at Escape. Just a warning lol. I'm not going to explain it all but it is NOTHING like it should be. After that I cried a little, went to see Derek at work where I ran into Tara, Ryan and John Tanner. Headed up to the mall to see Anna and they all followed me lol. Then we all met up with Derek and then headed to Tara's house. So it was, in all, Derek, me, Anna, Tara, Ryan, John, Sean, Brian, Lindsey, some guy, Jacob, and I think that's it. And it wasn't as awkward as those who I know the situation might have thought. Derek and I then went to Joy's house where we were greeted by lots of drunk people. And people yelling about how I'm "emmmooooo". Thanks guys lol. It was interesting to be on the other side of it for once. That's the first time I've been in that type of situation since I've stopped drinking and I'd say I held up pretty well lol. I actually had no desire after seeing everyone being stupid. Derek stayed with me until about 3 and then I just stayed the night. Tuesday, erm, I worked. Monday I saw Twinkie for the first time in like 9083w435498376. yes, it was so long, there was a letter in it. I would've liked to see her more but schedules didn't work out too well. I think last weekend I mostly just hung out at Derek's house 'cause he wasn't feeling too well. Other than that I don't think too much significant stuff has happened. Christmas is like less than a month away and that's pretty crazy. I need to buy people presents. I also need a different job. This is completely unrelated but my parents decorated the tree without us. Usually we all set aside a day for us to all hang up our ornaments and we sort through everything while listening to Christmas carols. *shrug* I guess it's just sort of sad that they broke tradition, especially since we didn't even have a tree last year since we went to Georgia. Also, my sister Danielle got engaged on Monday to Cody. It was definitely surprising but I'm happy for them. I just hope it lasts. Isn't it sad to have to think that type of thing when people get engaged or married these days? In the old days you wouldn't have any question about it 'cause there was hardly any divorce...but now...*shrug* Anyway, I'm going to quit rambling about semi-depressing things and do laundry. Later Dayz!
this is how it works. you're young until you're not. you love until you don't. you try until you can't. you laugh until you cry. you cry until you laugh. and everyone must breathe until their dying breath. no, this is how it works. you peer inside yourself, you take the things you like, and try to love the things you took. and then you take that love you made and stick it into some, someone else's heart. pumping someone else's blood. and walking arm and arm. you hope it don't get harmed but even if it does you'll just do it all again.
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| Will you still love me tomorrow?... |
[15 Nov 2006|12:36am] |
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Konstantine-Something Corporate |
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So, once again it's been almost a month since I've updated and I'm not sure of too many important events. Let's see, tonight I just saw Derek, came home and napped, went and saw Derek again and that was about it. Yesterday I worked and saw Derek, and Sunday and Saturday and all the days before except Tuesday pretty much lol. I see him at least once a day, which obviously I do not mind at all. I'm very pleased about it actually. It's pretty amazing to have a boyfriend that wants to see me just as much as I want to see him. Anyway, erm. Tuesday I was an election judge. So I got up about 4 and went to Cloud 9 airport thing at about 5 AM and was there until 8 PM. And then I had to take the stuff back to the courthouse so by the time I got home it was about 9:30. It was a long day but I really enjoyed myself. It was a very calm day. Unfortunately I had to return the next day to school to Marty being like rar you weren't at the concert blah blah. Incidentally, I hate her. But that has been since like freshman year. Erm, sheeyit. We've had some showchoir practices and I'm 99.9% positive that this year is going to suck hardcore in showchoir. Especially since Marty hates me and is a total bitch and people who are like sophomores and only like first or 2nd year showchoir kids are like I know everything that is going on, when they don't. I hope they get kicked in the face. I don't really care this year. I'm not super dedicated to showchoir anymore. I think it was kind of a passing phase and I'm kinda done. But I don't want to quit and regret it but I also don't want to stick with it and want to shoot myself in the face. *shrug* I am also very done with school. Arg, I have senioritis to the extreme. Or just the get-the-fuck-out-of-DHS-itis. I feel very stupid and I just don't want to try but I also don't want to not get A's 'cause I'm a perfectionist and obviously the 2 don't work well together so I should probably start actually paying attention and such. On the upside, I might try to get in to co-op for 2nd semester so I won't have to suffer quite as long everyday and I could make moneys in the mean time. Sounds like a plan, eh? Me and Derek's four months was on the 5th. And that's obviously awesome. Unfortunately it's been too long since I've updated to remember everything that has happened. However, I know that somewhere in there Derek and I hung out with Joy and Justin and with Meg and Jessie also. Erm, I believe I saw a movie somewhere in there. Ooh, we saw Employee of the Month and erg, I think I saw something else, I just can't remember. So, anyone read this anymore? If so, were/are you excited about graduation or anything? 'Cause while I'm excited about getting out of DHS, I can't bring myself to be incredibly like in the senior spirit and I don't know if that's just 'cause I'm a loser or what. I wonder if I'll regret it at the end of the year though. All the stuff I didn't get involved in in high school because I just didn't care. I'm not too sure I should have ever done showchoir though. All it has taught me is negative lessons. Like hard work doesn't necessarily pay off and kissing ass gets you places. *shrug* I'm going to stop being bitter about that eventually. However, now I'm going to go to sleep or something. Here's an excerpt from a book that I find interesting. Later Dayz!
The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them--words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.
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| I want to know your plans... |
[22 Oct 2006|09:52pm] |
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From This Moment-Shania Twain |
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Gar, I always mean to update more regularly but then it's like 84537 years and I haven't updated. It's not that bad this time but still, I couldn't possibly remember all the details. We'll start with last night. It was homecoming! My last homecoming :-( but it was good, for the most part. My date was the best, obviously. We all got ready and Derek brought me flowers. A dozen red roses and a half dozen carnations (I believe). They were beautimous. :-D And then we all headed out to eat at California Catering with Ashley, Derrick, Stevie, Chris, Joy, Justin, Yasmeen and Brody. Twas good. Then Derek and I headed to see Angie and then went to the dance. We eventually met back up with everyone. Who, at this point, were drunk. That was uh...yeah. I'll go ahead and say obnoxious. We stuck mainly to Candice and Ryan and sat down a lot but I still had a good time. Hopefully he did as well. We then returned to my house so I could get my stuff and we were gonna meet up at Steak N Shake but he locked his keys in his car. So we headed to Bismark, then Steak N Shake, then his uncle's house. And we got to stay the night together. Which was awesome, obviously. I loves him. :-D And then this morning we got up hellaciously early and went home and I slept some more then got up and dressed and such and Derek came over for a little bit. Then I had to work. But I got off like 3 hours early. So that was sweet. So let's see, what else. Friday I worked and then Anna did my nails. Thursday I watched Nip/Tuck and Grey's Anatomy at Anna's. And she dyed Jessi's and my hair. Wednesday I worked. Tuesday I hung out with Derek. Monday I worked. Sunday I worked and then I erm, no idea. Last weekend I'm not sure what I did. geez. This is why I should update more often. I don't know. Obviously I've been working and hanging out with Derek a lot. With Anna occasionally and not really with anyone else. It sucks that I'm not as close with some people but I've mostly accepted it. Especially after Saturday. I was more than just a little unhappy about that but *shrug* what can you do? Anyway, I need to get ready for bed and such. Later Dayz!
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| You give me all the reason I need... |
[08 Oct 2006|04:58pm] |
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My Friend Peter-Alkaline Trio |
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I'm bored, so I'm updating. Plus I don't want it to be another 12 years before I update. This entry won't be super long though. Erm, I worked Wednesday. And Thursday I didn't work and had Honors Night. Then I went to Custard Cup with Ashley and then I went to Anna's house to watch Grey's Anatomy. Then we went to Steak N Shake with Jessi, Dann, and Derek. That was fun. Friday I worked like 11:30-2 because we didn't have school. Then I went tanning and cleaned stuff up and then hung with Derek for a bit before he went to work and then I went and saw School of Scoundrels with Archana. Then we went to Custard Cup and then we hung out with Derek and ran into Laura and Shelby at Walmart. Hung out there for quite a while 'cause there was a crisis and then we all headed our seperate ways. I went home and then Laura came over and stayed the night. Yesterday...er...I got Derek and then we got some food and then we went to Danielle's house for a few hours. Then I worked 6-close and then hung out with Derek again. Surpise, surprise, eh? He did get pulled over though. Which was scary as hell, but the cop let him off with a warning. Today I worked 12-4. Moder pisses me off. So does Dairy Queen. I need a new job. I feel like I'm working all the damn time and hardly getting any money. And I like freak out about it 'cause I don't want to not have enough money for car payment and insurance and stuff. And geez, my stomach is like freaking out and I'm shaking and stuff. It's a bit ridiculous. But I have to go out to eat and stuff for Danielle's birthday. So I'm off. Later Dayz!
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